When I was at the mother-son dance at my son’s school, I had a big realization about myself. I was enjoying the experience without any of the snarky judgment that used to show up.
Today we’re talking about judgment. Self-judgment and judging others both steal our joy. My friend Jonathan Dugger, wellness advocate and doctor of psychology, is here with me again and we’re breaking down what to do when you find yourself in the judgment zone.
Jonathan reminded me that petty judgements about superficial things, like someone’s fashion sense, come from our own lack of self-awareness and lack of self-worth so it’s no wonder that we can’t find joy in those moments.
Connection and judgment can’t coexist. I’ve had moments where someone else is sharing their judgements with me, to create connection. It can be hard not to dish about others so we have a rule in our family: no talking negatively about someone else who is not in the conversation, or in the room where they can join you.
Jonathan brought up a key point about relatability and real connection. Connection is something that has lasting and powerful effects. Relating to someone is often the first step to making a real connection. It’s not going to feel very good to connect with someone who’s using criticism of others to form a bond.
The energy of our words and emotions.
If you’re a mom, I know you’ll understand this. I often wake up just before my son walks into the bedroom late at night. It’s this energetic connection that I have with my kids, and I can feel when they need something even before they come to me.
That energy we carry impacts everyone, so when we’re judging others, energetically it’s not going to feel good. Jonathan explains the domino effect of both positive and negative energetic properties.
We can perpetuate both or use one to change the other. Often a kind word in response to someone’s negativity can be enough to change the energy for both people.
What to do when judgment shows up?
- Ask yourself where is this coming from? Why is it that instead of compassion for someone, I’m in judgment?
- Since judgment often comes from feeling inadequate, see if you can identify where this is hitting you and why it’s showing up this way.
- Practice moments of joy. Stay in the moment.
- Walk away from conversations that are fueled by gossip. You don’t have to shame others, but you don’t have to participate.
- Be aware of the energy that comes when you move into judgment.
- Practice staying curious and see if you can find a way to compassion.
The more we work on our own self-compassion, the easier it is to practice compassion for others.
One of my go-to questions is “What am I making this mean?” when I find myself feeling triggered or wanting to give someone a piece of my mind. The answer often goes back to feeling love and compassion and releasing the need to be right.
Sending you love and be well!
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