When I had my first child, I found myself missing deadlines, unable to keep my promises, falling short on goals, and failing to even answer email requests.
This pattern continued and got worse with my second child until, I was feeling so overwhelmed and ashamed by my inability to stay focused that I resented the entire professional life I built for myself over the previous fifteen years.
I felt this deep NEED to be an ever-present mom and at the same time, I LOVED to work and resented that my child was not a better sleeper and independent player.
I heard the advice about how it was okay to let others care for my children, so I could focus on work. That it was okay to show my children what it was to work and raise a family.
My husband was so willing to help with ANYTHING domestic to make my life easier…(seriously, I know I am blessed and he’s amazing).
But something didn’t feel right and it was a process to figure out why I couldn’t focus on work and would readily run out of my office ANYTIME ANYONE NEEDED ANYTHING!
Monetary goals, plans of treating myself to luxury goods, working towards a family trip, felt superficial and I could never really get attached to them.
No amount of motivation, goal setting, and willpower will overcome the unconscious need to act in self-protection without an awareness; it’s like breathing.
My senior year of high school, I was so thrilled that I finally had a lineup of some of my most favorite teachers and I couldn’t wait for my mom to meet them at parent night. I was one of those people that didn’t mind school. In fact, I was so excited that I volunteered to help that night at school.
Thirty minutes into parent night and my mom hadn’t arrived.
I called, “Where are you?”
“Honey, I have so much work to do, I am not going to make it,” she replied.
As I leaned against the slick bright yellow cinder block hall, I felt the cold against my back. The tears started to roll down my face as I choked to keep my voice even.
“OK, but I really wanted you to meet my teachers.”
“I am so tired. I have been out all day on appointments, and I have a ton of reports to write,” she replied.
At the time I couldn’t understand why it was so hard to be there and it made me feel sad and unsupported. I didn’t realize what a profound big assumption (the Immunity-to-Change version of a limiting belief) this would become and literally change the course of my life twenty years later.
When I look back on moments that stand out, there was a repeated pattern of people I loved, saying they would be there and not showing up because of work. This isn’t a story about being let down by others or blame.
It wouldn’t have mattered what my parents did, there will always be lessons learned from each person’s perspective that become his or her big assumptions about the way the world functions.
It is every person’s responsibility to do the work to reformulate old assumptions that are getting in the way of achieving today’s goals.
What I now believe, looking back through the lens of a parent, is that she was 100% devoted to making sure I was taken care of with a roof over my head, food on the table, every opportunity she could possibly afford to provide for me.
I have profound empathy for her and how that must have felt to know that I was disappointed. I also know that she too has her own assumptions that I am not privy to.
At The Conscious Edge, we utilize a process called Immunity-to-Change to create pathways for unconscious assumptions to be clearly seen.
It allows us to move from being subject to an assumption’s power to holding it out in front of us and looking at it objectively. We discover when it’s relevant and when it’s not.
Once we understand why we keep losing focus, it allows space for us to forgive ourselves and even others.
We can choose to let these assumptions go if they no longer meet our needs.
We may even discover that an assumption is an important part of our values and we can honor it by creating strategy that works in collaboration with the assumption.
This was the case in my situation. Once I understood my experience with my assumption, I realized that organizing my life and business in a way that put my family first was were my intention and goals needed to be focused.
Laying out a specific plan with a timeline that allowed me to serve clients well AND leave space for the people I love helped me see what was possible and gave me a structured strategy to do both.
Now maintaining focus becomes easy because my work is in alignment with my values and my ability to hit goals faster has improved significantly because there’s motivation around sticking to the plan.
In conclusion…
An inability to focus may be a sign that there is inner conflict between what was relevant for self-protection in the past, but is now getting in the way.
Looking for patterns in both your present and past experiences can be helpful in understanding and even forgiving your inability to focus.
Working with a certified coach through a process like Immunity-to-Change will help you be objective and develop strategy to change the way you operate in relationship to assumptions that are no longer serving you.
We each get to decide if continuing to protect our past selves is more important than who we want to be today and in the future.
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